unself

I just realized that I have been not being myself for so long that I feel like I dont even know myself. I dont know me. I dont know how to describe myself. I dont know my personality anymore. It's not quite like I lost my identity but more like my personality.
I get used to put different masks everytime I hang out. Why I do that? Is it because I want to please others so they will like me?I dont know why. Everytime I go out, I feel like I transformed to a different person and, at the end of the day, I feel exhausted.
I remember back then, when I was able to be myself, I never got exhausted hanging out with my friends. In fact, I never thought that my friends were my family.
Yeah, that was back then.
A long drive of commute can make u think lots of things, including this one, how I have become not myself for a long time without realizing it.
I think I have found part of my solutions to my problems. How can u be happy with yourself if you never be yourself.
well, for you who know the existance of this blog, thank you for letting me be myself.

Last nite, i had a weird dream. As I remember, I never dreamed of somone in the family that had passed away. So, last nite, it was my first time 'chatting' with grandpa. He looked good and just like I remember, he has not changed. He has this thing that can make you feel welcomed, loved, and make your trouble away. So, I got that warmth feeling inside me when he talked to me. but, unfortunately, when i woke up, i could not remember what he said.
but, basically, i really enjoyed being with him. i didnt feel scared or anything at all. Thanks for watching over us ...

ikh

here's a scarry thought...he is so very clingy to me that he starts referring everything as WE.
shiet man. im talking about me cousin.
yeah, exactly, i know this is not healthy. this is sickening. i keep pushing him away but it dont work. he does not like one person, so i should not hang out with this person either. WTF?!

frequency

i notice that i have been visiting this site and writing stuff more frequent lately. and my conclusion is the frequency of my visit equals to the level of stress in my life right now :>
hahahahaha
ok ok..back to boring stuff... of course about me cousin..
my cousin wants to go to a gathering which will take place 1 hr drive from we live. it is a social gathering from 1-3 pm. and i have class until 2 pm on that day. so, he suggested, i must say the word suggest is really weak in the meaning because it really means he has decided, anyway...
yeah, he still wants to go but he does not want to go alone. he wants to go with me. i hate to say this but he becomes really clingy.
when i want him to accompany me to places that are not that safe for a single person, he does not want to come. and when he is not invited, he always invites himself.
so about the gathering, he wants me to come home and drive there. so by the time we get there, it will be 3 pm, well with the way he drives, probably 4 pm.
so let me ask u folks, what the heck is the point going to a gathering where everybody will leave by the time we get there???
gosh..
im hungry..
must eat now...

tinggal dimana ye

duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bingungggggggggggg
must find an apt soon! time is ticking.getting closer to end of yr.
duh tinggal dimana yee enaknye
pengen tinggal deket kantor, tapi virginia gak ok.
tinggal di maryland, sux. ga ono opo2 jack.asli!gersang! makane tax bracket-e rendah :> less taxable things=less income to govt=less development hehahahhe
tinggal di wash dc, ahhh thats my dream...
ada nih 1 apt, ok sih, 700 sq ft, rent nya juga ok, pas deket daerah the mall.. oh man... so tempting.!!!!!
but they say downtown dc is not safe. but it's where all the happenings happen!!!
aghhh

checked out an apt yesterday.
OMG! definetly kemakan iklan aku ini.
this is what the ad says" beautiful sunny basement"
ok, first of all,,basement?sunny?
but i went there to check it cuz the location is ok and price wise is reasonable.
but, i have to literally watch my back when i was walking toward the front door. seems like, the house has the halloween theme all yr.
and i felt like i was in a jungle.
i like to explore nature but i dont like being in a basement with unknown creatures.
so, rang the bell, no one answered. called them, waited for 3 minutes, i said to meself, heck with it.
they didnt even bother showing up for the appointment, why must i stay in this jungle?
btw to help you, just picture johnny scissorshands mension and that mension is in a bettershape than this house.
so i think i dont need to elaborate more.
gd nite folks!
and i shall continue my apt hunting tomolo

Attn:

My dearest cousin, pls stop mentioning about the meeting that we will have, pls stop mentioning how many cuties will attend the meeting, and please,,,PLEASE stop reminding me that i am single. i know that and there's nothing wrong with that. having a partner in life dont make your status higher.
if u want to settle down, go ahead. i am not stopping u but it doesnt mean that i want to settle down like u too. i never mentioned the fact that u have no friends, i never said anything about how u should live your life. thanks for your concern.but pls leave me alone for now.
yes, we are family but dont mean that u can bug into my life. u always mention how u respect others, including my privacy, but in reality those are just words to me.
thank you for including me into a conversation but u dont have to answer every single questions that people ask for me.
you tell strangers things about me and nothing about u. why u do that?
i understand that u always like your privacy, that's why u dont hang out with people. if u dont want to talk about your life, then dont talk about my life and tell it to strangers.
talk about something else!
yes, i thank you for helping me. but dont mean that u own me.

b.b.b

i am tired of listening 2 u and yet i keep doing it. i have moved on but i think i have made a step back. i just hope that im not going deeper than b4.
humans...already know the answer, what to avoid, know the consequences, and yet keep doing them. just like seinfeld said, instead of not doing dangerous sports, we-human- protect ourselves wearing helmets which, actually, the helmets are wearing the human for protection :)

thought of the day

mondayyy!!that says it all! what if we never had monday??!! :)

the feeling being kacanged

aku bingung sih sebenernya.
aku tau that its not me fault, tapi whats wrong with me that make him hate me so much? that he cant even look at me.even being with me is scaring him. ya, that was my experience when i went home. i dont care the fact that he might like my friend. but, the fact that he cant even talk to me really hurt.
it's like a dejavu, not really cuz this incident happened to my friend.same exact thing, except, the girl and guy finally got together. when it happened to him, i could feel the hurt, the sadness, the madness, everything but not as much as he felt. but, now, i can really feel it and i can relate to his feelings. he took it amazingly. he was sad but he moved on.
what i am feeling rite now is like when you are so sad that you cant even talk about it, and you cant cry although u want to.
& the worst part is i keep remembering it because it plays like a never-ending movie in my head. as if somebody forgets to turn off the movie and glue the replay button. and none of the buttons are working, i cant fast-forward it to the happy part which is the last day before i left. that day, i felt so happy and lucky and realized that i have great friends. yes, they made fun about me and the guy but it helped me to go thru the day. thanks guys.
my words, my thank yous, my hugs will never be enough to describe my gratitude to you.
thank you.